starting with Emilie... not so much a part of the good experience it was actually really hard seeing her up at cam this year. part of the reason why is because i still care about her and it's just too easy to get too comfortable around her. and that may be part of the reason why she would tell people I would lead her on. but come on! think about how i feel, like don't you think i have a heart and i feel like somethings missing as well? But i feel this week really reaffirmed the breakup because of some reasons that came back up that were really important. Like one, she said she wanted to talk and then when i tell her okay let's talk and we are sitting there she won't open up or tell me how she feels. And that honestly hurt because she used to do that a lot when we were still together and like for the first three months i could understand why she would be a little shy still but after a while it hurt that she couldn't tell me how she felt or that she didn't realize how important it is in a relationship to share your feelings with your partner. and also words of affirmation is a huge love language for me and like at times i would beg her to tell me things I'd want to hear or at least make it really obvious what i wanted her to say and yet she would tease me about it. Like what the fick is that right? well anyways.. needless to say there were plenty of reasons. It just sucks because I love her even if it's not in the same way anymore yet its too comfortable to just fall back into relationship mode with her if I don't take time away from her. So i decided that it would be good if we didn't talk for a while
Also at camp, I got spiritually attacked thursday night which was kinda crazy. Like after the lesson and we apologized for the pranks we pulled i couldn't move my body froze up. and i remember leaning on ryan's shoulder and i whispered in his ear, "dude pray for me right now, i can't move." and then like bam like i had this huge struggle that began internally. I literally was talking to God in my head yet there was like also the devil there or something evil there i guess that was trying to lure me away and to keep me in my brokenness. But i would like hear God's voice calling me to Him and i would try and find it. and when i finally found where it led to in my head i was at the foot of the cross and i could see Jesus there and it was weird cuz i heard him say "let it go Jayce" and like right as he said it, Jordan yoshimine started saying the same thing "let it go Jayce, Let it go" and at that point i already knew what he meant. But it was so hard he wanted me to let go of all the hurtful things that were said about me in the past and to not believe them anymore, to give up being bitter towards those that miss treated me, and to stop hating myself for the false things i believed about myself, and also my sins. and i wil tell you i struggled with it for a long time i couldn't just let Jesus take all of it yet he told me something like, " it's okay I do it because i Love you let me take the blame for you and take al those hurtful things." and at that moment i just said okay God and just told him i let it all go.. but just in the midst of all that, i was wailing and crying oh man yeah heavy stuff. But then pastor Hino got here and finished off whatever else was there in me and it was just a long night But the coolest thing was that i got to talk to God for a little bit haahha so it was a cool experience.
And then all out of order but during worship tuesday I heard God tell me to share my testimony to the rest of the highschoolers. and i was ust like uh GOd are you sure? cuz like isnt blane already doing his? but he said go and ask Dave and just wait upon me. So i asked Dave and afterwards i was literaly pooing my pants cuz i was so scared to share my testimony yet when i went up there my heart poured out to them and i just broke down all the walls so they could see what my life was like and what to learn from it. And it was awesome to hear that, that night, everyone opened up in their cabins a little bit so that was awesome.
Overall My walk going into camp was already going strong, and i feel like i came out of it going even stronger yet kinda hhurting now. But it was the best year, with all the pranks, all my friends, and just everything and just our Amazing God made it just indescribable and the most awesome experience ever so yeah.. as you all can tell i had fun lol
God is good.
ReplyDeletehe is always there for you.
and so am i.