My Life As of Now

So I feel bad because i haven't blogged in a while but i feel a strong need to express myself somewhere now. Now after this past summer I thought I had learned many things. I thought I had my life in my hands. I had reaffirmed my calling to be a pastor, and also started to believe I will make it big as a musician. My friends came back to me as well as making the best friend in the world. I also had one of the greatest mentors I could have ever asked for. It felt as if the world was in my hands and I could not have been happier.

But lately I've been feeling different. It feels as if with the start of school also came to the end of all my happiness. Now, my mentor is always busy and what not and we never meet anymore, which is probably one of the hugest blows to me. I look up to Keith so much and i miss the times we would talk and eat and laugh. But most of all i miss feeling loved by one of the closest things I have ever had to a father figure. I mean he is still here and we talk on the phone sometimes, but it feels as if he is as distant as my real father... Also I was in love with a girl and thought that this love would last forever or something and yet I have found things change and it sucks finding out she wasn't the one when i put everything into thinking she was. But it was my fault why it ended but i also don't think i should be blamed. Crap just happens you know? Also with the coming of school and the most depressing and time consuming thing I like to call work, I feel trapped. I'm trapped here in this 17 year old body that longs for his dreams of the future. And with this feeling of being trapped I also feel fear. I am no longer fearless about my dreams. Fears of failures swirl around my head and I am afraid. I just want to escape this oppression. I'm tired of living in this fear and sadness that keeps me awake at night. Also my best friend feels pretty distant lately we don't talk as much and we hung out the other day which just felt different. I'm scared that he won't want to be my friend anymore or we will fall away from each other due to how things are now. Curse thing called school and also work. I want to be done with this already.

So God, If you are listening, and I know you are; this is my prayer to you Oh sovereign Lord. I'm tired, and I am hurting. I am fearful and I am being attacked. I am being pushed into places that are far from where you have instilled in me to go. I am afraid to just get caught up in the motions of high school. My prayer to you Oh God is that you will keep me strong throughout this year and that you will protect me from temptation. God, my heart is bleeding for you and I just ask for you to fill me with your Holy Spirit and love which I am so in desperately in need of. Keep me onto the path of righteousness.