Jayce's Blog

About a girl

2009-10-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

I wonder what you're thinking half the time.

As you stare out your window tonight

Hurting over other things

hope that you will think of me

and that it will make you feel

something you didn't know was real

And you will wear a smile

as you fall asleep

with a warmer heart

And you will dream

of you and me

My Life As of Now

2009-09-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

So I feel bad because i haven't blogged in a while but i feel a strong need to express myself somewhere now. Now after this past summer I thought I had learned many things. I thought I had my life in my hands. I had reaffirmed my calling to be a pastor, and also started to believe I will make it big as a musician. My friends came back to me as well as making the best friend in the world. I also had one of the greatest mentors I could have ever asked for. It felt as if the world was in my hands and I could not have been happier.

But lately I've been feeling different. It feels as if with the start of school also came to the end of all my happiness. Now, my mentor is always busy and what not and we never meet anymore, which is probably one of the hugest blows to me. I look up to Keith so much and i miss the times we would talk and eat and laugh. But most of all i miss feeling loved by one of the closest things I have ever had to a father figure. I mean he is still here and we talk on the phone sometimes, but it feels as if he is as distant as my real father... Also I was in love with a girl and thought that this love would last forever or something and yet I have found things change and it sucks finding out she wasn't the one when i put everything into thinking she was. But it was my fault why it ended but i also don't think i should be blamed. Crap just happens you know? Also with the coming of school and the most depressing and time consuming thing I like to call work, I feel trapped. I'm trapped here in this 17 year old body that longs for his dreams of the future. And with this feeling of being trapped I also feel fear. I am no longer fearless about my dreams. Fears of failures swirl around my head and I am afraid. I just want to escape this oppression. I'm tired of living in this fear and sadness that keeps me awake at night. Also my best friend feels pretty distant lately we don't talk as much and we hung out the other day which just felt different. I'm scared that he won't want to be my friend anymore or we will fall away from each other due to how things are now. Curse thing called school and also work. I want to be done with this already.

So God, If you are listening, and I know you are; this is my prayer to you Oh sovereign Lord. I'm tired, and I am hurting. I am fearful and I am being attacked. I am being pushed into places that are far from where you have instilled in me to go. I am afraid to just get caught up in the motions of high school. My prayer to you Oh God is that you will keep me strong throughout this year and that you will protect me from temptation. God, my heart is bleeding for you and I just ask for you to fill me with your Holy Spirit and love which I am so in desperately in need of. Keep me onto the path of righteousness.

Camp and all it's goodies

2009-08-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

wow where to start... this year at camp was none the less an amazing experience yet it had a totally new vibe that made it one of the best experiences...

starting with Emilie... not so much a part of the good experience it was actually really hard seeing her up at cam this year. part of the reason why is because i still care about her and it's just too easy to get too comfortable around her. and that may be part of the reason why she would tell people I would lead her on. but come on! think about how i feel, like don't you think i have a heart and i feel like somethings missing as well? But i feel this week really reaffirmed the breakup because of some reasons that came back up that were really important. Like one, she said she wanted to talk and then when i tell her okay let's talk and we are sitting there she won't open up or tell me how she feels. And that honestly hurt because she used to do that a lot when we were still together and like for the first three months i could understand why she would be a little shy still but after a while it hurt that she couldn't tell me how she felt or that she didn't realize how important it is in a relationship to share your feelings with your partner. and also words of affirmation is a huge love language for me and like at times i would beg her to tell me things I'd want to hear or at least make it really obvious what i wanted her to say and yet she would tease me about it. Like what the fick is that right? well anyways.. needless to say there were plenty of reasons. It just sucks because I love her even if it's not in the same way anymore yet its too comfortable to just fall back into relationship mode with her if I don't take time away from her. So i decided that it would be good if we didn't talk for a while

Also at camp, I got spiritually attacked thursday night which was kinda crazy. Like after the lesson and we apologized for the pranks we pulled i couldn't move my body froze up. and i remember leaning on ryan's shoulder and i whispered in his ear, "dude pray for me right now, i can't move." and then like bam like i had this huge struggle that began internally. I literally was talking to God in my head yet there was like also the devil there or something evil there i guess that was trying to lure me away and to keep me in my brokenness. But i would like hear God's voice calling me to Him and i would try and find it. and when i finally found where it led to in my head i was at the foot of the cross and i could see Jesus there and it was weird cuz i heard him say "let it go Jayce" and like right as he said it, Jordan yoshimine started saying the same thing "let it go Jayce, Let it go" and at that point i already knew what he meant. But it was so hard he wanted me to let go of all the hurtful things that were said about me in the past and to not believe them anymore, to give up being bitter towards those that miss treated me, and to stop hating myself for the false things i believed about myself, and also my sins. and i wil tell you i struggled with it for a long time i couldn't just let Jesus take all of it yet he told me something like, " it's okay I do it because i Love you let me take the blame for you and take al those hurtful things." and at that moment i just said okay God and just told him i let it all go.. but just in the midst of all that, i was wailing and crying oh man yeah heavy stuff. But then pastor Hino got here and finished off whatever else was there in me and it was just a long night But the coolest thing was that i got to talk to God for a little bit haahha so it was a cool experience.

And then all out of order but during worship tuesday I heard God tell me to share my testimony to the rest of the highschoolers. and i was ust like uh GOd are you sure? cuz like isnt blane already doing his? but he said go and ask Dave and just wait upon me. So i asked Dave and afterwards i was literaly pooing my pants cuz i was so scared to share my testimony yet when i went up there my heart poured out to them and i just broke down all the walls so they could see what my life was like and what to learn from it. And it was awesome to hear that, that night, everyone opened up in their cabins a little bit so that was awesome.

Overall My walk going into camp was already going strong, and i feel like i came out of it going even stronger yet kinda hhurting now. But it was the best year, with all the pranks, all my friends, and just everything and just our Amazing God made it just indescribable and the most awesome experience ever so yeah.. as you all can tell i had fun lol

had to change the name to mAh lifeeee

2009-07-28T01:43:00.000-07:00

FOr all you who read this, this is what i mean about being broken. You know living in God's love does make me feel complete and is the greatest feeling but idk i must have a mental retardation that says "oh God makes you super happy, now lets go the other way." does anyone relate with me here? im not a self rightuous idiot like most im not going to hide how i feel or who i am. I mess up im a dick a douch sure call me whatever i don't care... you know i feel like im loving others and like sure i receive love sometimes back but sometimes not and sometimes i want someone to do for me what im doing for others i want someone to just reach out and love me cuz i am dying inside. The craziest thing is that i have a heart to reach out to these broken people and want to love them but yet deep inside Im just the broken kid myself. Will someone love me for me? maybe thats why ive been so girl crazy all my life, cuz i want that love from someone and too just be loved and shown it without having to do anything... and its stupid cuz God gives that love yet me its likeoh go somewhere else or what not. i saw myself getting this way and asked God to break me down.. well this must be it.. Im broken down and i hate my life right now so yeah.. sorry for alll you that got a buzz from the message i gave saturday i really mean those things i said dont doubt that cuz how i feel now.. im only human and i can feel like shit every once in a while to right?? well i just hit rock bottom.. God hope you can do something with that or send someone or something please?..... its like those split personality, one knows how to live in christ and an be fufilled while the other is just a broken piece of crap that goes and messes up galore and gets everyone to hate him. i should draw a picture of that.. well i feel like shiz, have work tomorrow, going to start that drawing.. goodnight america

Pivotal Moments

2009-07-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

So yeah recently my life's been running in crazy directions.

Like What I've been doing is really awesome. Been walking with God on Super conductive levels

And yet I feel like there is something I am leaving behind.

Oh Your movements are so sweet and you scent ever so tempting.

Your eyes ever so captivating, I feel like I'm falling for you all over again.

And Yet I'm scared because I don't want my walk to End I don't want to lose My relationship with the Father.

I want to Find a way so we can all walk together and i can bring Him with me to go get you.

And yet i Feel as every time i try and reach you I start running to fast with passion to find you rather than His pace.

I feel like i should slow down and start back tracking to where He is but I feel so close, I can taste your lips again.

But i know what the right thing is to do, so i will try to find the strength to walk a little bit farther away from you,

and Yet your arms are wide open ready to receive me, How much more can your heart take my beloved?

I am sorry but i feel as if we have to wait for it is the right thing or else things will end badly once again

So we shall be patient or I pray you to be patient with me for He knows what's best and I am still figuring things out.

For once I won't be

The Fool who keeps running

While Getting smashed by the Mallet

When we make it to heaven's gates...

2009-07-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

Matthew 7: 21-23

"'Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23 Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!''"

I wonder how many of these do we know oh brothers and sisters?

Wrong Body - As Cities Burn

2009-07-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Why Hello there oh sullen world, My name is Jayce. Why do you frown upon those less fortunate than thou or even more fortunate than thee? Why do you judge one another and keep up walls to protect yourselves when all it does is harm you and make you feel you Hollow, Alone, and Incomplete? For it is like this, for anyone to fully and freely receive hey must first fully and freely give themselves. Love onto others as you love onto yourselves, even more than yourselves. For Have you ever noticed oh world, that If you give away and tell all your brokenness, Life story, and yearnings from deep within your heart to a complete stranger that in ten minutes that person went from stranger to one You call brother or sister?? For we as Christians have gone through the wide gate the road taken by everyone else which have given us the names "Hypocrite" and have stained Jesus' purpose, his Teachings, What He came and did for us, His very reputation. But let us take that Narrow gate, let's Freely give away love to everyone due to the Ultimate Love given to us from Him up above. Let's choose to seek God's face. This blog isn't about me it's about our Great God, just some wise words i thought I would pass to you today.

"Grace Make Your Way to the World" - As Cities Burn

hair cut

2009-07-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

so i went to fantastic sam's to get a hair cut. i wanted to get a really good hair cut this time so i would feel really good about myself so i brought a photo of phil wickam in with me and said i wanted it like how it was in the picture. I really didn't think they would do a good job but it come out really good i Love it actually so yeah pretty stoked about that.

How to cope with the loss of your Love prt 1

2009-07-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

So today is officially the third day of being single.. yeah and so far basically I am just ignoring all the pain. Haven't really gone back to thinking about her because it still hurts so much. Have been filling my time with spending time with friends and yeah last night zane slept over which was cool. But I feel like doing all these things aren't helping they are only making it worse. I feel like I am turning to worldly things to fill the gap rather than God. I am totally off from my walk with Jesus and I feel like i need and want to start heading towards him again and want to totally give my life to him... so yeah this one's hopefully to keep me on accountability....

2009-07-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

My heart just broke into a million pieces...

So long, So long

2009-07-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

For the past seven months now I have been with one of the most sweetest most loving girls a guy could ask for. Emilie is such a great person and I love her very much. But the fact of the matter is, is that The things I need and want in a relationship I am starting to see that Emilie isn't fitting into that picture. And also the same goes for what her needs and wants are i don't really fit into that picture either. Because I feel like where God is taking me, He wants me to reach out to others and be there for other people even if it means just something trivial like play xbox with them and have a good discussion or what not, and Emilie doesn't really understand that and she wants my time and she wants to know i care through my actions meaning show her i care with basically my time in which is something that i can't give. I've always been like a free spirit doing my own thing and she is more of the type to want to settle down and so it's been a struggle to come up with the conclusion of ending it because she is a great person and I love her for who she is but I don't see her as the person that I spend the rest of my life with as my partner... And the fact of the matter is is that i don't want to leave her because of everything we've been through and the fact that she is my best friend and I'm afraid to lose that once it's over. and it's even harder because she doesn't understand and is taking it the wrong way... But basically i know in my heart i have to let it go.. so I pretty much feel really crappy and broken right now.. for now I'm just going to keep myself distracted and preoccupied with other things